Having a positive mindset is important, just as it is imperative to not surround yourself with people who gloss over reality and deny one’s lived experience. “Anytime your feelings aren’t validated, regardless of the situation, you are experiencing toxic positivity,” says Nathalie who cautions knowing the difference between a “good vibes only” friend and one who doesn’t have the emotional bandwidth.

“They may not necessarily be an insensitive person, they could simply struggle with handling negative emotions due to trauma or upbringing.” Still, if you find yourself surrounded by individuals continually invalidating your experiences, or not respecting where you are at, Nathalie advises “putting some distance between you and them, and seek other counsel from different friends or professionals.”

There’s a difference between can’t – because life affects us all differently – and won’t. Sadly, some friends are only ever about you helping and hearing them out but when it comes to your turn to lean on them, they brush off your laments with glib, pseudo-positive statements like: “Happiness is a choice: “If you put good stuff out there, good stuff comes back.”

While it could be a case of them not knowing what to say, it could also be a scenario that they’re simply not that interested in dealing with the messy side of friendship where things aren’t always rosy.

“People can lack empathy if they don’t see your situation as critical from their point of view,” says Nathalie, pointing out that toxic positivity isn’t always a deliberate response. “People also struggle with their ability to cope with their emotions, let alone others. It takes a lot to be able to sit there with someone and hold space for them to be all they need to be at that moment.”

Ultimately, Nathalie advises being mindful of whom you are confiding in. “If they are rushing you to feel better, you can share your boundaries by letting them know how you would like them to act. For example: “I just need someone to listen right now”, or “when you tell me off, I feel invalidated”.

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Just as we encourage children to be bored to allow their creativity to flourish, we should do the same with friendships. If your besties are only around when there’s champagne involved, it’s time to shift the perspective to one that focuses on real-life and real problems. While talking about authentic feelings can feel difficult at first, Nathalie advises practising active listening and to avoid fixing the issue at hand.

“A simple technique is to repeat back to the person what they have said to you but in your own words. It will make them feel listened to, validated and understood, which enables them to start the healing process.”

This article originally appeared on Her World