Jessie J is ready to talk about her heartbreaking miscarriage.
During an appearance on The Diary of a CEO podcast, the singer recalled feeling unwell early on in her pregnancy, in November 2021, saying she “woke up one morning and I was like, ‘Oh, I don’t feel right,'” per Entertainment Tonight. “I still had very intense nausea, [but] I just knew something wasn’t the same.”
After getting a scan done by a doctor, she said there was “that dreadful silence when you first have a scan and they kind of don’t say anything.”
“I was like, ‘Just tell me the truth. What’s going on?’ And she said, ‘Your baby’s heartbeat is very low, and there’s this ring, [which] … often means that the baby will have some type of disability or deformity,'” Jessie said.
Though the doctor assured her that the baby was “still there,” Jessie decided to get a second opinion. “He did another scan and he said, ‘I’m really sorry there’s no heartbeat,'” she continued. “That was within about three, four hours of the first one.”
As she tried to process the news, the musician prepared for a show that would be occurring the next day. “I remember just going home and not processing it. And then, the next day I went straight into glam, I did the soundcheck … I did the show,” she said.
It was only after her work was done that the reality sank in.
“When I got in the car after the show by myself, and I got home, and I opened my front door, and I closed the door, and I fell to my knees,” she said. “That was the worst moment of the whole experience, was me realizing that other than my career, being a mother and having a child has been the biggest excitement of my life.”
She also described the “painful” experience of loneliness following the miscarriage.
“I felt like I’d been given everything I’d ever wanted, and then someone had gone, ‘But you can’t have it,'” she said. “When I got home that night and I laid there, I’ve never felt so lonely in my life. … I just remember laying there, knowing that it was still there, but it wasn’t there. That went on for … over a week.”
Despite the grief, Jessie said she’s found personal meaning in the situation.
“I knew that the reason it happened was because I wasn’t supposed to do it alone. … I’m supposed to find someone that wants this as much as I do,” she reflected. “I’m grateful that I got to experience being pregnant. … It’s opened the door for me to love myself deeper. I’m still processing the whole thing. I have moments of intense sadness and grief, but I also have moments of excitement knowing that I won’t do it alone.”
This article originally appeared in Harper’s BAZAAR US
- Jessie J